Is there someone at work that always makes you feel uneasy after you’re together? Perhaps you’ve noticed that spending time with a certain colleague wears you out. You can tell when you’re around a particular person that you feel fearful and anxious.
Monsters may not be real, but emotional vampires certainly are and they can wreak havoc on your confidence, well-being, and productivity. Learn what emotional vampires are, how to spot one (both in and out of work), and how to deal with them. You don’t need to include any garlic, we swear.
Define emotional vampires.
Someone described as an emotional vampire tries to diminish another person by using manipulation, gaslighting or various emotional control. Whether they do this intentionally or not, emotional vampires often leave others feeling depressed, anxious, and insecure.
They may not drink blood, but similar to their mythological counterparts, emotional vampires drain the well-being, vitality, and confidence of those around them. They remove our spark and positive mindset. Their criticism and long-lasting psychological effects may not die, even if people die. Thankfully, if you catch their errors and shine a light on what they do, they tend to stay away.
What do emotional vampires want?
Emotional vampires may or may not be aware of their behavior but that doesn’t make their behavior any less toxic. When they are anxious about themselves, their impulse is to make others feel guilty and abused so that the focus isn’t on their insecurities.
When they keep the focus trained on themselves, they can always pass the blame for any problems elsewhere. Such people are great at sidestepping responsibility for their own lives and choices.
Whether a person is doing this intentionally or not, the effects of emotional vampires can have an impact on your mental health. Here are five types of emotional vampires and how to spot them by what they say and do:
5 different kinds of emotional vampires
Narcissists
Named for another mythological favorite, narcissists seem unable to talk about anything but themselves. No matter how much you may need someone, they aren’t able to set their own feelings aside when you talk about your troubles.
It can become very difficult if you are close to this person. When a crisis happens, we usually reach out to those nearest to us for help. Narcissists are too emotionally immature and self-centered to see when you need help.
Are you finished with all your whining? I’ve left out what happened to me as well.
“That almost seems normal, at least you haven’t dealt with what I deal with every day!”
The drama lovers
A dramatic vampire is nearly always dealing with emotional turmoil. Even if something goes their way, they’ll usually minimize it or notice something to whine about. If something isn’t working out well, all you’ll hear for days, weeks or even months is how badly it is.
They don’t need much for a setback; they can turn just about anything into an epic failure. A dramatic person will often tell you the same story repeatedly if you spend time with them. Give them enough opportunities and you could find yourself in their drama.
While I’m accepting the promotion, I guess I’ll have more taxes to pay now.
How do I feel? Can you remember the last thing I said to you? It has gotten worse still.
Victims
It is never the victim’s responsibility. Even with solid evidence of what they did, they’ll use different forms of psychological tricks to excuse themselves. Should you mention what they could have changed, these people will likely respond defensively.
Often, people with a victim mentality are more interested in sympathy than solutions. You’ll notice that victims often reject advice and don’t care about solving their problems. Since they always come up with excuses, they don’t believe in trying in the first place.
Are you laying blame on me? If they helped out, I wouldn’t have missed the deadline!”
I hope something like that would be accepted, but my boss won’t agree to it.
Controllers
People who insist there’s only one correct way to do things are likely controlling. As a result of their behavior, you feel you must have their approval for what you do.
They may either grab power or take it under the radar. You start to wonder if your ideas are correct after being around someone who takes control.
I recommend you do more with your work, but who knows? Maybe you know something I don’t.
You should have told me about that as soon as you could.
Talkers
People who talk too much often try to steer the conversation around what they believe. If you do get the chance to talk, they quickly end what you’re saying so they can push through to what they were saying before.
While you’re talking, these people are always preparing their response in their minds. Whenever you point out their behavior to them, they can often remember what you said, but not always the message. People who talk endlessly can turn every subject into their own argument. They can’t stand it when there’s silence.
That made me realize I need to tell you what happened to me.
You are always causing me to stop mid-sentence. You pay attention to yourself, not to others.”
8 signs you’ve met someone who drains your emotions
An energy vampire will not make itself obvious, so you’ll spend a lot of time waiting. Here are some toxic behaviors that emotional vampires commonly display:
1. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a way of making you doubt your own sanity, perception of reality, or instincts. If you don’t realize it, a gaslighter can convince you that you’re talking nonsense or forgetting things.
2. Passive-aggressive actions
Most of the time, individuals with passive-aggressive tendencies won’t tell others what they need. Instead, they work to get you to make choices they will benefit from. They can still blame you for falling short of expectations that haven’t clearly been set out.
3. No accountability
Emotional vampires rarely take responsibility for their actions. Whenever you mention something wrong they did or anything that upset you, they will commonly claim that you are responsible or at least anybody but themselves.
4. Guilt
Guilt is a favorite weapon of emotional vampires. If they manage to make you feel like you’re at fault, they frequently ignore their role and blame you instead.
5. All-or-nothing thinking
A lot of people have a tendency to all-or-nothing thinking habits. Such symptoms are usually present in mood disorders such as anxiety and depression. That alone doesn’t make them emotional vampires. Still, things can go wrong when someone uses their all-or-nothing views toward other people. They might characterize individuals as either good or bad, fully devoted or extremely lazy, savvy or unintelligent. Worse, this approach can be harmful; better, it just reduces people to a label.
6. Says things that are not suitable or talk about personal matters
Emotional vampires frequently get too close too fast. At times, it’s a strategy to gather confidential information to trick or exploit you. Asking about someone personally can quietly make them more suspicious of your motives.
7. The idea that everything is only about me
Toxic people tend to act only for their own benefit. No matter what you tell them, they often aren’t interested. They aren’t interested because it doesn’t affect them. In doing so, they’ll find ways to relate all of the information back to themselves.
8. Your individual emotions
Often, spending significant time with an emotional vampire makes you feel unhappy or tired even afterward. If you find yourself emotionally tired, feeling depressed, unsure of yourself or wish you didn’t say what you did, you might be dealing with an emotional vampire.
How can you face an emotional vampire?
We usually have to interact with people we’d rather avoid and this happens a lot at work. Even then, we’re expected to do our best to cooperate, communicate and sustain a safe work environment.
While we can’t control when and how emotional vampires show up, we can limit the impact that they have on us. Finding techniques to handle toxic people and how they act in your life makes you feel more confident. You’ll feel less tense, have more energy and gain both strategies and resilience for dealing with their behavior.
These five steps can help you face an emotional vampire:
1. Make guidelines for yourself about what you do and don’t want.
Emotional vampires love to live in the grey space. The more unclear they are, the better it is for them. Consider them accountable for everything they do. Let them know what is permitted and not permitted when they are near you.
If you’re always late, always get your meetings arranged by email or by writing it down. If they are not there after 15 minutes, make it known that you’re leaving and do so if they don’t answer. Making boundaries can keep you from feeling the effects of their behavior as much. If what they do starts to harm them, it will encourage them to change.
2. Don’t speculate; rely on facts.
Emotional vampires are called emotional vampires for a reason. They try to trigger your feelings to push you in the direction they want. Focus on the facts whenever you talk to these people. Instead of describing your emotions, describe the behavior you experienced that you’d like them to improve.
With a victim present, you can explain, “It’s unfortunate that this is happening to you, but I still can’t” and make clear your boundary. If the problem is at work, speak to a supervisor or suggest they bring it to HR’s attention.
3. Practice mindfulness
One of the best ways to limit the impact of emotional vampires is to develop self-awareness of how their behaviors affect you. If you practice mindfulness, you might see the patterns they use to pull your strings. Mindfulness practices can help you avoid being triggered or pulled into a blame game.
4. Talk with a therapist or coach.
Emotional vampires especially when they’re family members or loved ones can do some real damage to our mental health. Anyone you trust or love who makes you feel less important can damage your self-esteem, your trust in yourself and cause you emotional exhaustion. Being with energy vampires usually creates codependency and causes stress for the victim.
A professional can guide you in creating healthy boundaries and reviewing the relationship to tell you if it’s worth trying to save. With this form of therapy, you can see common feelings, enhance your self-image and deal with different feelings.
Often, having toxic traits can display a personality disorder or signal upcoming emotional and mental abuse. Only a licensed mental health professional can diagnose personality and mood disorders.
5. You may take part remotely (or decide not to at all).
Hard to avoid them whether you’re working or somewhere else? Don’t let them come close to you. Even if you don’t manage their job or how they relate to your job, you have some power over your interactions with them. Establishing limits on when or if you’ll interact with them can make you feel freer emotionally. Protecting your mental health is a good reason to turn a meeting into an email.
Final thoughts
We as people are built to connect with others. All of us feel it’s wrong to break away from relationships or ignore someone’s hurt. Helping others is not possible if we are drained and it shouldn’t cost us our peace either.
Learning to recognize red flags in your relationships and prioritizing your own self-care are your most important weapons when dealing with emotional vampires.
FAQs
What’s an emotional vampire and how can I recognize it?
An emotional vampire is a person who drains your emotional energy through manipulative or toxic behaviors, such as gaslighting, passive-aggression, or self-centeredness. Examples of signs may be feeling very tired, worried or unsure of yourself after involving yourself with them.
What are the different types of emotional vampires?
Common types include narcissists, drama lovers, victims, controllers, and excessive talkers. All these types have particular traits that can negatively affect how you feel and think.
What are the best ways to handle an emotional vampire I encounter?
Some things that help are making sure you set certain limits, paying more attention to the facts in your discussions, practicing mindfulness, getting outside help and working to reduce your impact on them.
What are the long-term effects of interacting with emotional vampires?
Over time, people may develop more anxiety, feel depression, have low self-esteem and cope with certain issues unhealthily. Sometimes, it can cause tension in relationships and slow down how people grow and deal with their feelings.
When should I consider seeking professional help regarding emotional vampires?
If interactions with emotional vampires significantly impact your mental health, self-esteem, or well-being, or if you find it challenging to set boundaries, seeking help from a therapist or coach can provide valuable insights and coping strategies.
